Dark Thoughts

So... I had this idea on the bathroom. I was thinking how the bar of wordpad makes me wanna write. How it compels me. I had something to say. I feel kinda lost. I mean... My brain is such a mess. I'm in my winter vacation which makes me emotional since ever. But... I've always thoutgh it was because I'm alone, without the rotine of the busy days, but now I'm serously considering that I may be crazy. Not crazy as a psychopat, but an introspective crazy woman. I did not left childhood well, I felt it, it hurt me. I've been studing for my tcc, reading books and stuff and I discovered that teens have problems with acepting their new body, leaving the childhood parents behind and acepting their new responsabilities. I haven't any of this issues. My problem is different. I've turn eighteen, I'm almost nineteen... it's kinda strange, I never thotgh I will be able to see this. Honestly? I though I will die before this. It's creppy, but it's the true. I had all planed in my head, I would make high school, would know a cute guy, feel in love with him, and huge blank space. I always talk about college like it was  something that would never happen, just a dream far away. Now that's happenig I don't know how to act. Should I be haapy that I survived? Defenely. So why am I having this thoutghs? That any time I'm gonna freak out for good, and my parents and family will say: "Wow, how we didn't see it happenig?" "She was so normal." "She was so happpy." And then I will be lock out forever and everybody will give that look: "Poor girl, I'm so happy to born normal." It scares me. Is that my medicine? I'm sippin a less number for this month. Maybe. Why I can't  be like the rest of them? Normals. Livin their lifes. Following the rules. Not asking what they can't understand. I'm really scared. What if I never get married? What if devil is reading this and laghing at me? What if I never had little babies? What if I'm so crazy that God will never put an epic to love to me? What if I never really feel in love? Am I a psychpat that goes wrong? I have no feelings but I'm incapable of comitin murder? It can't be I cry a lot. But I never let a guy get close enough to hurt. Maybe that's all, I'm scared of givin my heart away and somebody smash it. And that's this thing about macthing hours, what is that? They said that if you see a machting hour your love is thinking of you. I've seen this machting hours a lot. But I'm alone.There's the guy of the camp but, I posted a picture of the group on internet, and he didn't say anything, he saw it. I don't know I was kinda holping for a miracle. He was gonig to message me, say that he misses everybody, asking hows life going. I think the chemistery that I felt was a moment thing or nothing. I remember thinking : "I have no chance with him." Then I saw the perfect moon in the sky and I got happy because I though : "It's a beutiful night to keep hope."  Had this other guy on the college bus who was saying that I was beautiful in text messages, all normal by that, every f*ckboy does that. And then, he said it right into my face, not just behind the screen. Another day I came over into the bus and he kissed my hand. Like it was in the old times, and I melted. Everything that I could do was nothing, I felt out of the atmosfere, I got in transe I think.Then he texted me asking if I didn't get it that way he said: "I was jocking, not get it wrong". I bet kissing somebody you're in love with feels like that. Getting out of the planet, making love then... It feels good, even with a stranger, can you imagine how it feels like with somebody you love? I wanna taste it. Even he broke my heart and I got into a spiral of madness for not being forever. I wanna taste it so bad. Is one of the things that make me going, find my love.